One would think by the age of 50, I would know who I am. However, what I’ve learned during months of self-analysis is that I often times seem to be who others expect me to be. Always trying to be the people-pleaser. Accepted by others. Gaining my worth from the approval of others. I find myself on a new journey of self-discovery….just trying to learn to be me.

So, as I’ve pondered, I’ve decided to save quotes that help identify myself as the person I truly am. I also continue to delve deeper into my thinking in order to better understand who I am…who I was created to be. Today’s post is focused on the part of me I try to use to help others see their worth.

I shared my personal motto from college in my previous post. This morning, as I was sweating profusely on the elliptical at Planet Fitness, Fox News shared that today was National Encouragement Day. Who knew? Did you? I mean, I never knew encouragement had its own holiday!

Anyway, as I was spending an hour burning calories, I had plenty of time to ponder the power of encouragement. Over the past few months, I’ve received a lot of encouragement. Each comment, note, or message made me smile…spurred me on. With each memory, I uttered a prayer of thanksgiving for the one who took the time to encourage me, whether it was verbally, via FB messenger, Class Dojo, or email.

God is so good about placing encouragers in my path when they are most needed. Whether it’s the library employee encouraging my exercise posts, my pastor encouraging my ministry to children, a student’s parent expressing appreciation for communication, FB friends cheering me on as I try to exercise more consistently, students spurring me on to create more parodies, a student reminding me to use my hand sanitizer, or my sister & nephew holding me accountable to living healthier….they EACH were an encouragement.

Then, as I pondered writing a post today, I thought about when I was more mindful of writing encouragement to others. It seems I’ve allowed busyness to sidetrack a personal ministry that I started decades ago. I’ve said I’m going to restart it, but sadly the follow-through has been lacking. Perhaps, a National Day of Encouragement is the perfect time to make a plan to reactivate it in action and not just word? Yes, I try to be an encouragement on Facebook, but I think I’m overdue to make it a more personal ministry again. What about you?

Who have you encouraged lately? Who has encouraged you? As my college motto proclaims, maybe it’s time for you to turn it around. Perhaps, you could take a moment to send a text, email, social media message to that person and let them know that their encouragement made a difference. What do you say? Are you up for the challenge? Perhaps you can use this “national holiday” as the perfect excuse to encourage someone else? It’s not hard; it just takes time. However, it can take 30 seconds or 30 minutes depending on your mode of delivery. You can do it! What do you have to lose?

Don’t get me wrong. It may not be accepted with overwhelming appreciation, but that’s not the point. The goal of encouraging someone isn’t to gain their appreciation, but it sometimes happens. The goals of encouraging someone else are to keep their candle lit, to keep them heading in the right direction, and to fan their flame of hope. Let’s face it…all of us need cheerleaders at times. Be someone’s cheerleader. Why not start today?

So, is there a coworker that seems downcast? Put a card in his/her mailbox. Do you have a relative struggling with something? Spur them on and let them know you believe in them. As an educator, I know the value of a grown student sending a message to let me know that I was a favorite teacher or sharing something they remember about my classroom. Who is that teacher to you? This year especially, teachers need encouragement. What about a pastor at your church? They are walking a tightrope through this pandemic where each choice is judged by those who don’t know them personally. If they open the doors and restart ministries too soon and someone gets Covid and suffers severely, it will be on their conscience. If they open cautiously or not-at-all, they will be judged as having little faith. Let them know they’re appreciated and how God is using them through this trying time.

So what about it? Will you accept the challenge to express a word of encouragement to someone in your life? Maybe even someone who you don’t know well, but you can tell a word of encouragement is needed. You can do this! Become an encourager. It’s a great habit to start. So why not start now!

Now, before you start thinking you need to send me a pep talk, I want to say this is the voice that “at times” is in my head. She doesn’t scream as often or as loudly as she has in the past. Perhaps it’s true with age comes wisdom? Perhaps it’s experience brings contentment? No clue. All I’m saying is… if it’s screaming in your head, keep reading. If you know someone who hears this, keep reading.

Not special enough….
Starting as an insecure teenage girl, I learned that by doing came approval. Youth Sunday at church needs someone to share? Ask Jodi. She’ll do it. Need someone to teach a class? Ask Jodi. She’ll do it. Need someone to serve on a committee? Get Jodi. She’ll do it. Want someone to watch your kids? Jodi will, and she’ll even entertain them with her reading skills. I found myself working, trying, pushing, working, volunteering, serving, working to earn the approval of others….to feel like I mattered. Get the picture. Don’t get me wrong…I enjoy each of those things, but I also found myself saying “yes” when I didn’t really have the desire to do it…in order to please others….to be accepted.

I figured if I DO enough then people would appreciate me. I would matter. Most had no clue these were the thoughts in my head as I tempered my lack of confidence and overwhelming self-doubt with humor and talent. They’re still my “go to”…my crutch. If I was Linus from Peanuts, then my humor & abilities would be “my blanket”. I pondered sharing my struggles, but I would push the thought away in order to protect the “image” of confidence. If I ignored the inner battles, then they would go away. Right? Nope. Nada. #notgonnahappen.

Not attractive enough…
I’m 100% certain that I was/am not the only female to struggle with this one. My teeth aren’t straight or white enough. My hair is too poofy. My weight is too high. I was certain the reason I was “still single” was because men are visual creatures and my “packaging” wasn’t enough to grab their attention. I recall one drive back to Carson-Newman College during my freshman year, my friend Dana was talking about his girlfriend (who I was nothing like). He said, “Jodi, face it…you’re the kind of girl you take home to Mom and then marry. You’re not the kind of girl a guy dates.” I assured him that I didn’t think marriage was possible without dating or courtship. He simply shrugged his shoulders. It seems I’ve forever been a guy’s best pal…the girl he cries about his girlfriend or wife to.

Perhaps that’s why my commitment to getting healthy hasn’t stuck….because I was doing it “for someone else”. This time, I’m doing it for me. I’m worth it. I need to be healthier. God gave me this body for my life on earth, and I’ve not been a very good steward.

Not worthy enough…
I found this inner battle especially a struggle in the realms of relationships. A friend asked me once, “Jodi, how can I pray for you? What do you need? You’re always there for us, but you don’t tell us how to be there for you.” I was shocked. I couldn’t recall a time when someone asked me that question. If I admitted to someone else my struggles with my self image, then I would be speaking against what God had created. How could I do that? He loved me. He made me. He sent His Son to die for me. How could I speak negatively about His creation? Here’s the thing… Yes, He made me and in a fallen world my body comes with challenges. But…He’s not the one who would choose to go home and not exercise. He’s not the one who had too much junk food in my grocery cart. Those were my choices. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not on one of those fad diets and I’ve not cut anything out of my diet completely. I did Atkins before and lost over 30 pounds, but…I like potatoes….I like bread. That “diet” wasn’t for me. So, I’m just making healthier choices. With the encouragement and accountability of others and my determination to get healthy….I’m hoping these choices stick. With each pound loss and when clothes are looser, I think, “Thanks God…keep me going.”

Becoming the TRUE me…
Along this journey of “Becoming Jodi”, I’ve created my own motto: “Encourage those you appreciate, and appreciate those who encourage you.” You see, while in college, I started writing notes of encouragement to friends. Some were directed to close friends I cherished while others were mere acquaintances that God prodded me to encourage. I recently realized that I needed to restart that practice. Why? Encouragement matters.

How do I know? Because of those He’s placed in my pathway to encourage me. It was during this past summer, as my 50th birthday was approaching, that I decided it was time to start living healthier. Really, this was long overdue, but slow and steady the journey continues. Knowing how often I’ve attempted to “get healthy” in the past, I knew I’d need encouragement and accountability to keep going. I’m using Facebook to help me with that fact. My sweet friends have been encouraging and some are holding me accountable. For instance, as I went through the library drive-through to pick up a book I had on hold, Ann affirmed my efforts and told me how my exercise posts encourage her. Then, while waiting for my students to take a restroom break at school, Kevin comes by and asks if I’m still walking my parents’ dog (on the days I don’t go to Planet Fitness). Meanwhile, Erin, my neighboring teacher, spurs me on as I drink my gallon of water each day. “Keep drinking more water.” With each exercise post, many friends give me a little cheer to keep spurring me onward. They may only spend a few seconds making their comment, but it matters. It motivates. It encourages me to keep going. Encouragement and accountability matter.

Not polished enough…
Let’s refocus…my struggle with self-worth wasn’t just in my appearance, but it also manifested itself in my career. I would allow the harsh words of one parent to overshadow the edifying words of many others. I would see the strengths of another teacher and judge my skills in those areas harshly. Now, I find myself in year 25. I still try to improve in areas that I know need polished, but I tell myself “effective” on an evaluation is fine. I know I’m effective. I know my passion and purpose are true, so I need to let those self-degrading issues go. Yet, I admit that a few years in a row my final “label” was “highly effective”. Made my day! However, it also set me up for the feeling of failure when the next year I was 0.50 points away from that “label”. It really means absolutely nothing…maybe a couple extra hundred dollars, but I allowed the “label” to tell me who I was. I allowed the opinions of my administrators to have power over my self-acceptance. You see….I still struggle with that. I still want to be “the best” I can be. There’s nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself, but if it steals your joy then it needs to be put in its place.

Self-Analysis…
Recently, these thoughts have been playing over and over in my self-analysis. In fact, I think these things started stirring last winter when a small group book study challenged me to write 100 positive things about myself. And I failed. I failed miserably. If you go back to my January post called “Toxic or Healing”, you would find a sad list of 15 positives about myself. Actually, they’re more like “mediocre” positives. How could I not find 100 things positive about myself? I mean, the Creator of Heaven and Earth knit me together in my mother’s womb. Was His work sub-par? Nope.

Now, I’m not saying one should be boastful and self-centered, but we should be able to list countless positive things that are true about ourselves. So, feel free to stop reading, but I’m going to attempt to come up with 100 positives about this 50-year-old-lady who loves God. It may take me a while, but I tend to fixate on goals….so I won’t share this post until the goal is achieved. [Started on Wednesday & posted on Friday evening.]

You see, I tend to over-analyze just about everything. Yet, this time, my analysis has been tempered with reality and acceptance. I’ve concluded…..

1. I am a teacher who loves her job even on not-so-hot days.
2. I’m sensible.
3. I’m an author of children’s books that cause my 4th graders to burst out in laughter in all the right spots.
4. I’m realistic.
5. I’m smart.
6. I’m a lover of figurative language and eager to help both young and old develop an appreciation.
7. I’m unique.
8. I’m passionate about things that are important to me.
9. I’m a good cook.
10. I’m diligent with my tasks.
11. I enjoy providing meals for new parents, sick friends, and stressed mothers.
12. I’m sincere.
13. I sing.
14. I’m reflective.
15. I enjoy writing parodies.
16. I’m imaginative.
17. I enjoy teaching kids Bible lessons at my church.
18. I’m personable.
19. I love a good pun…or even a bad pun.
20. I love to laugh and do it daily.
21. I’m benevolent.
22. I’m a fine feline mom.
23. I’m polite.
24. I’m encouraging.
25. I’m empathetic.
26. I can bring stories to life for my students…and the ladies in my Sunday School class.
27. I’m enthusiastic.
28. I’m a committed reader.
29. I’m principled.
30. My superpower is appreciating a good night’s sleep or sweet afternoon nap.
31. I’m creative.
32. I can create “personalities” complete with their own voice and attitude.
33. I’m capable.
34. I’m an appreciated dog walker.
35. I’m faithful…to God…family…and friends.
36. I am grateful.
37. I’m a good hugger.
38. I’m focused.
39. I’m a fun puppeteer.
40. I’m optimistic.
41. I’m a friendly greeter at the church doors on Sunday.
42. I’m hopeful.
43. I enjoy writing poetry.
44. I’m romantic. [One day, someone may find out…]
45. I’m merciful.
46. I like mentoring & helping younger teachers and wannabe teachers.
47. I’m purposeful.
48. I try to help friends see the positive on their bad days.
49. I’m supportive.
50. I attempt to bring joy to others.
51. I’m animated.
52. I’m a planner.
53. I’m cooperative.
54. I pray for my friends.
55. I am kind.
56. I try to maintain a positive perspective…even in the midst of a pandemic!
57. I’m persistent.
58. I try to avoid giving up whenever possible.
59. I’m earnest.
60. I am a goal setter.
61. I’m punctual.
    [Unless it’s for my surprise 50th birthday party when I was late due to an unplanned nap.]
62. I attempt to maintain peace.
63. I’m humorous.
64. I can be serious when needed.
65. I’m focused.
66. I’m giving.
67. I’m loyal
68. I make mistakes, but I own them too.
69. I’m thoughtful.
70. I want to make my school, my community, my world a better place.
71. I enjoy doing & writing drama/skits.
72. I’m helpful.
73. I’m a rebel to the stereotypical expectations of this world.
74. I’m dependable.
75. I’m a woman of integrity.
76. I am perfectly imperfect.
77. I’m joyful.
78. I’m a devoted church member.
79. I am talented.
80. I’m hard working.
81. I’m a teacher who calls my students “my kids” regardless of their ages.
82. I’m contagious, as in my faith, my laugh, & my joy. [Thanks, Meridith, for that one!]
83. I’m a reliable friend.
84. I celebrate the success of my friends.
85. I’m appreciative.
86. I’m a committed employee.
87. I try to make each day the best it can be.
88. I’m conscientious.
89. I’m supportive to my oldest sister Dianna.
90. I’m the best friend of my sister Sherry.
91. I’m a reliable and loving daughter to my mom and dad.
92. I’m the “Best Ant” to my favorite nephew in the whole entire world!
93. I’m a daughter of the King of Kings.
94. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
95. I shine His light on social media.
96. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.
97. I was created in the image of God.
98. I am blessed.
99. I’m an original.
100. I. Am. Enough.

Okay, so my long-lived joke whenever I show my baby picture is that I was a deep thinker right from the start. To be honest, I probably over-think way too often. In fact, a decade or so ago, a guy that I was dating told me that I tend to over-analyze. Everything. He was right. Still is.

How so? Well, if he didn’t reply to an email, I would ponder all the reasons WHY he didn’t reply. You see, I’m a “read & reply” girl. Even if the reply is a simple “Thanks”, “okay”, or “nope”….I reply. When I try not to reply, I end up feeling guilty. Why? Well, I don’t want someone else to experience the over-thinking experience that I so often go through.

This applies to pretty much everyone concerning everything. You may receive a paragraph, you could receive a long dissertation of all my thoughts, or you could receive the short & simple reply. But….you’ll get a reply.

Being 50, this week I had the “joy” of a colonoscopy. I had heard horror stories of this experience. Well, the stories were never about the procedure but about the day before. Here…I’m going to shoot straight. The “taste” of it wasn’t the worst thing I had ever tasted, but there were episodes of gagging. Why? No one told me that that the medicine part of the prep made the water change its fluidity. So, as I attempted to take a quick slurp from my straw, I quickly realized I was drinking thickish water. Ugh. I’m the girl who can’t eat pears or coconut without cringing due to texture, so the unexpected thick-water was not something I handled. So, I took it as “Extreme Prep”….instead of Extreme Games. Every 10 minutes when the timer sounded, I would talk myself through swallowing another 8 ounces. Then….prep is over, procedure is over, and I await the results.

I literally just returned home from sharing lunch with one of my good friends as well as my sister’s family. Mexican food, Yum! I walked in and saw a missed call from KDH. My overthinking kicked in. Does that mean that my test results were bad and they can’t leave the news on the answering machine? Should I call? Should I wait? I waited and pondered a good 15 minutes before calling….

And they said….

“Just checking how you did after you went home from the procedure?”

Aw, how nice! Then, I started this post and the phone rings again. KDH again. Oh no! I hold my breath…(figuratively not literally). Woohoo! Results were fine, but I need to retest in 5 years due to family history. Woohoo! Not for repeating it in five years but that the results were clear.

Overthinking. It’s a danger.

Thinking is important, but overthinking can steal your joy. How? Let me tell you.

If a parent has their child removed from my classroom, thinking tells me that if a parent doesn’t want me to be the child’s teacher that my year will be smoother if I’m not. Over-thinking causes me to question every interaction I’ve had with the family in the past to see if there’s something I could’ve done differently. You see, most of the time the request doesn’t have anything to do with me as a person or a teacher but is due to the relationship established with the other teacher.

If I text someone who ignores me for a day or two, thinking says that he or she is busy. Over-thinking tells me that they are choosing to ignore me because I’ve been deemed unworthy (At this point, my overthinking triggers a quote from A Knight’s Tale— “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.”).

What have I learned? I’ve learned that over-thinking always causes self-talk to take a nosedive. Rarely does overthinking build me up or encourage me. Overthinking triggers my battle with self-confidence and tries to tarnish my inner joy.

Now, if you know me….JOY is my thing. I try to be Joyful Jodi, not fake about it….but finding the joy even on the rainy day. Over-thinking is like a storm cloud that tries to block the rays of Joy. Alas, I must not be the only female who tends to overthink because…if you Google it…you’ll find plenty of pages to visit. I shall not. Instead, I’ll visit the Word I have hidden in my heart to remind me to…

Let it go, let it go….
Don’t overthink anymore….
Let it go, let it go,
Kick those negative thoughts out the door….

So, here are a few of the verses that I’ve been trying to use to kick out the negative and simply think about the truth. If your mind ever tends to over-think, maybe these can help you too.

My alarm was set for 4:50 am. Why since I’m on summer break? I’m glad you asked. About 10 minutes ago, I finished my 50th year of living, and I didn’t want to be asleep during this momentous occasion. Plus, both of my parents were awake at this time 50 years ago, so it only seems fair that I experience a shortened night’s sleep to celebrate.

So, I figure I’d start my 51st year of life looking back at the first half of my century.

What have I accomplished?

All my teeth came in way back when, and now a handful of them are royalty….they wear nice expensive crowns.

I finished my first 14 years of education in Madison, IN, then decided to do four more in Jefferson County, TN. Later, I took a few courses at IUS and put it with 18 months of an Indiana Wesleyan University to finish my official coursework.

After four years of substitute teaching, I finally had a school choose me to join their staff. I gladly rebelled from my Madison connection to become a part of the Southwestern staff. My red & white upbringing added a patriotic blue to the mix. [Psst, if you mix the three colors together, you find a lovely shade of purple.]

I finished my 24th year teaching 3rd graders assisting their education from home. I’ve taught at least 500 students. When people ask if I have kids (because people are nosy that way), I can answer, “Yep, around 500 or so.” Because let’s face it, once you’ve been in my class you will forever be introduced to those I’m with as “one of my kids”.

After wanting Mom & Dad to have a 4th kid as a child, I finally became a “Big Sister”. First to Courtney and now to Lacie.

Oh, I also self-published 8 children’s books. There are four chapter books in a series called “Jasper’s Journey” and four picture books in the voice of Jasper.

Okay, it’s early….that’s enough looking back. What about the next decade or half-century?

What goals do I have?

I hope to keep the rest of my teeth from becoming snooty royalty by brushing, flossing, rinsing, and getting my 6-month checkups. I learned the value of the last three of those four things the hard way. Through expensive bills and uncomfortable sessions in the dentist’s chair! [Now, I’m finally to the quick and (almost) painless visits. I even wrote a parody after my first quick cleaning with my first “A” report.]

I refuse to be a teacher who just keeps going like the Energizer bunny without trying to improve or grow. However, I now choose not to spend hundreds of dollar on classes, I opt for online webinars that are free or offered through my SimpleK12 subscription. Yet, I also will attend teaching conferences if they’r offered on a topic I feel is worthwhile.

After 24 years in 3rd grade, I asked to be promoted to 4th. This was a transition that countless classes had requested, but this year I decided….why not. I’m thankful for administration who allowed me to make the move, and I look forward to the new challenge. Granted, I hadn’t planned on starting something new in the midst of wearing a mask, being armed with disinfectant, and being a Queen of Hand-washing, but I’ll roll with it.

I’m thinking I have another 10-15 years left in my career, God willing, so I’ll add another 250 kids to my teacher tree. Granted, I’m certain my memory will fail me at times when I hear, “Hey Miss P, remember me?”, but I will strive to improve my recall.

My second little sister will age out next February or when she achieves her GED. Not sure I’ll start on a 3rd, but you just never know what God has in store.

Currently, I’m not working on a picture book, but I have a folder filled with ideas. I’ve started my next chapter books series entitled “Tales from Two Kitties”. I’m attempting to type up poetry that I wrote in high school and college with a few I’ve written in the last couple of decades. I’ve just finished the first draft of “Lessons Learned Behind the Teacher’s Desk”, and I hope to get it revised and edited over the course of this school year. My goal is to put it into print at the end of my 25th school year. Plus, there are other goals for somewhere down the road in the arena of writing. I would love to give Christian fiction a try….where crime isn’t the focus and romance isn’t the central line. I’m thinking “Single Purpose” would be the series title….and the main character? She’ll be a Christian single who survives the journey by leaning on her faith not relying on a romantic relationship to give her purpose. Who knows…I may even giving writing a devotional book a whirl somewhere down the journey. I mean…I’m a teacher who likes to write not an author who teaches. There’s a difference. It seems authors focus on “one area”, but….I just want to write….so I will.

I left a few things off both lists…so to wrap up….

I have been a good daughter for most of those 50 years. Not all of them. I don’t think I gave my best when I was a baby because I was a …baby. Plus, Mom told me once that my 8th grade year was the year they just had to “endure” me. I tell this to many of my friends when their daughters enter into the challenging teen years. I assure them I turned out okay, so to have faith. I will strive to continue doing so by sharing Saturday breakfast, walking their dog, and doing or being what I need to do to support and love my parents.

I have been a good sister. I mean, I played Barbies with my oldest sister, Dianna, when growing up and would attempt to shoot baskets or play ball with Sherry. Dianna doesn’t live in town, but I’ll try to do better at responding to text messages promptly. Sherry still lives in Jefferson County, so I see her more often. I’ll plan on continuing to do so as this next decade begins. Hopefully, we’ll be able to keep meeting at Planet Fitness to attempt to exercise after Connor abandons us for his senior year.

I am a great aunt. It’s like I was born to be one! Ask Connor; he’ll testify. I plan to still send cards and gift cards to him as he finishes his college education. Likewise, puns and cat pics will continue to brighten his inbox. I mean, it’s our thing.

Plus I’m a child of God. I’m thankful for parents who raised me in church, a dad who shared the plan of salvation with me, a church & youth pastors that discipled me as a teenager, and a church family who encourages me in my walk and appreciates my service to our church ministry. I’ll continue to sing, teach, and greet, but I’ll also strive to dive deeper into His Word in order to be a truer reflection of His love and truth to those I do life with.

Finally, I’m a superb Cat Mom. I’d tell you to ask them, but….they’re napping…on me….while I write. Now, I’m thinking….I’ve accomplished my first hour as a 50-year-old, so I might be due for a nap. I guess this Cat Mom should join her felines for a morning snooze! Thanks for reading my ponderings…